How Understanding Attachment Can Help Your Family Through Separation

When parents separate, it can be a confusing and stressful time—not just for adults, but especially for children. One of the most powerful ways to support children through family change is to understand how they form and maintain relationships with the people who care for them.

A recent international research article, "Attachment theory and research: what should be on the core curriculum for child and family social workers?" (Foster et al., 2025), sets out clear lessons that are just as valuable for parents as they are for professionals. The researchers stress that “attachment theory is one of the core theories proposed for child and family social work, but concerns have been raised regarding misunderstandings and misapplications. Misinformation about attachment is widespread”.

As a parent, it’s easy to come across worrying or confusing claims online about children’s attachment. This research provides a balanced, evidence-based perspective—and it connects directly to why family mediation can help your children feel secure during and after separation.

What Is 'Attachment' and Why Does It Matter?

Attachment is simply the way children learn who they can turn to for comfort and safety when they are scared, hurt, or upset. The researchers describe this in very human terms:

“Infants and children are predisposed to want to seek one or more of their familiar caregivers as a metaphorical ‘safe haven’ when they are hurt, anxious, distressed, or alarmed”.

This doesn’t mean children need “perfect” parents. It means they need familiar adults who respond when they reach out for help. Parents provide a safe haven in times of stress and a secure base from which children can explore the world.

Even when families change through separation, children’s need for that sense of safe haven and secure base doesn’t change. What matters is how parents manage the transition and whether children can continue to trust that their caregivers will be there when needed.

Myths About Attachment Parents Shouldn’t Worry About

The article is very clear that parents should not become anxious about labels like “secure” or “insecure”, and that situations can change. The authors explain that:

“Child-caregiver security and insecurity are not fixed traits. Children’s expectations can and do change when caregivers modify their responses… security reflects the child’s expectations about that specific caregiver’s availability in times of need”.

This is encouraging for separating parents. Even if your child has had a tough time, the way you respond going forward can make a big difference. Children can and do develop new secure relationships when caregivers are consistent, calm, and responsive. Another common myth is that attachment is only about the mother-child relationship. Research shows the opposite:

“multiple relationships that serve as a safe haven and secure base can benefit children ... additional safe haven/secure base relationships can be developed at any age”.

This means mothers, fathers, step-parents, grandparents, and other close relatives can all play vital roles in a child’s sense of security—something especially important after separation.

Stability Matters More Than Perfection

One of the strongest messages from the research is that children do best when their caregiving arrangements are stable. As the authors put it:

“Highly unstable caregiving arrangements can prevent or hinder children’s access to relationships that provide a safe haven and secure base for their development”.

For separating parents, this means it’s not about creating a 'perfect' schedule but about ensuring children know what to expect and that both parents remain reliable figures in their lives.

How Family Mediation Supports Children’s Needs

Family mediation is a process where separated parents (and other important care-givers) work with a trained mediator to make decisions about parenting arrangements, finances, and communication. Unlike court, mediation is future-focused and designed to reduce conflict.

Children react to the reliability and calmness of their caregivers. Mediation helps parents reduce arguments, create routines, and reassure children—strengthening their sense of safety.

Why Online Mediation Can Be Especially Helpful

The article also emphasises how stress in parents’ lives can reduce their ability to respond sensitively to children:

“Experiences of poverty and other socioeconomic stressors can reduce the attention adults have available for parenting, decrease positive feelings, and increase feelings of helplessness and fear”.

For many parents, the stress and cost of attending in-person meetings can add to the strain. Online mediation offers flexibility: parents can join from home, fit sessions around work and childcare, and avoid the extra costs of travel. This reduces stress—freeing up more energy to focus on children.

Online mediation also makes it easier for parents in conflict to engage without the pressure of being in the same physical room. That can mean calmer conversations, which benefits everyone, especially children.

Children can also be directly included in mediation through 'Child Inclusive Mediation'. This is where a specially trained mediator speaks individually with any children of the family, to hear about their views and feelings. The mediator can then attend a joint mediation session with the parents to provide feedback and seek a way forward.

Final Thoughts for Parents

For parents, the takeaway is clear: children need stability, consistent care, and the reassurance that both parents (and other important care-givers) remain reliable safe havens in their lives. Family mediation—especially online mediation—can be a practical way to achieve this, helping you and your co-parent focus on what really matters: giving your children security, love, and support during a time of change.

Next steps

If you would like to discuss your options or have any questions about online family mediation, contact us today by calling 0800 133 7303 or send us a message here. The first step in family mediation is an individual consultation with a mediator, which you can book online here.

The full academic article can be found and accessed online here. By referencing the article, we don't suggest we endorse all and every view or finding in the article. Our mediators will provide support and guidance appropriate to each unique circumstance when they meet you for an individual consultation.